It’s not every day that your grocery shopping experience turns sickening and leaves you completely irate and wanting to scream obscenities at a fellow shopper. I usually try to embrace it when these situations do arise and forever embed them in the”some people fucking amaze me” file of the “you have GOT to be dry- humping me” epicenter of my brain. Please, allow me to explain…
The boyfriend and I were happily discussing the differences between Hominy and regular canned corn while browsing vegetables at our local Kroger store this evening. This particular Kroger has decided it their standard practice to shelve veggies directly across from the bulk candy.. of course completely stocked with chocolaty goodness, gums, licorice, sour patch kids, and every Little Debbie Snack Cake you could dream of shoving in your face. Pretty smart marketing strategy if you ask me. Temptation can be a bitch while trying to make decisions about which spinach to buy while there are King-Dongs staring you in the face. Mmmmmm…King Dongs…
Still browsing the veggies, I hear a decelerating “huuuuummmmmm” directly followed by an abrupt squeak of brakes which can only be one thing. A motorized shopping vehicle has come blazing into our isle. The sound of several unknown items obnoxiously slide to the front of the motorized basket as it comes to a screeching halt. “Sir!” Neither of us turn around, but both know there is no one else within ear shot of the bellowing shopper. “SIR?!” Finally, we turn around and witness the obvious travesty that is unfolding right in front of us. A middle aged woman perched proudly in the small space provided to her on the motorized shopping vehicle is pointing in the air. I notice this second of course, right after realizing that her arm was not, in fact, the roll of honey buns I had mistaken it for. This bitch was fat. Now, I don’t mean debilitatingly fat like Gilbert Grape’s mom. She was juuuust fat enough to feel the need to park her lazy ass in a motorized cart to zoom around Kroger in search of her next meal; thus avoiding any actual physical activity or “exercise” she might have endured. Anyway….back to the story.
“Sir, do you think you could just, ya know, help me get those…” she was pointing her roll of honey buns at the top shelf of the Little Debbie display.
“I just really can’t reach it and I would hate to knock the whole thing over.” The driver of the undeserved motorized shopping vehicle was clearly desperate for the gooey decadence of Little Debbie Marshmallow Treats. The boyfriend, being the nice guy that he is, heads over to her vehicle and reaches for the box she is staring at longingly. “Yeah, that one, and if you could grab two of them… I really just can’t….oh, thank you!” He puts the boxes into her basket, somewhere between the bag of Funyons and Rocky Road ice cream. “No problem,” he says.
After cruising slowly down the rest of the isle, being sure to overt her eyes from the vegetable side, the sound of the motor faded. “Are you Fucking Kidding Me?!” I asked. I was completely sickened. I wanted to take every Twinkie and Starcrunch in the place and launch them at the back of her fat head. I could catch her. Surely she was probably on her way to grab some fat back, or some cookie dough to roll her hot dogs in. I was irate, and I would stand there and do nothing about it.
In case you haven’t caught on to the point of my rambling, the bitch was fat. Not crippled, not disabled, not old, just fat and fucking lazy. Not only did she not need the motorized cart that she was hammering down in, but she couldn’t even get off her lard ass long enough to grab the box of shit she shouldn’t even be allowed to buy in the first place. Its a good thing that the Funyons and ice cream were within arms reach, or there may have been a code red in the middle of Kroger.
Some people have no fucking shame…..
You mean mean bitch. No, really I totally agree. First, fat people go to the grocery store more often than skinny people…because they’re fat…and hungry. Well, if everytime they walked in the grocery store, they actually ‘walked’, they probably wouldn’t be as fat. I hate you fat people…and the rascal you rode in on.
Ok, so Sam says we must be related somewhere amongst the branches of some tree because I have had this rant and she almost thought I wrote this until she saw your name.
So apparently we’re both good bad influences.
Wow..ya’ll are MEAN assholes!!! I do agree with you…I think a LOT, if not most, of the people who use those carts don’t need them. I have a friend who really is disabled, and he tries not to use a chair if he doesn’t have to, but often needs one for a longer trip like walmart, and can never find one bc there are too many middle aged obese people on them… but you guys (especially Matt) act like EVERYONE who’s overweight is horrible and worth hating..thats TERRIBLE!! A lot of overweight people (this one included) DO walk in stores, to buy bland diet food, before going to the track to walk a mile. A LOT of people out there DO try..you shouldn’t hate someone just bc they aren’t what you consider attractive..they probably don’t hate you just because you’re completely ignorant.
i want to marry you. i never, never thought i would such sweet words after my own heart from a woman. this came up when i typed “obese lazy” into google. i live temporarily in peoria il. i just moved from chicago, and will soon move to tampa. here, the fat asses are FAT. it is not that everybody is fat, it is just that the people that are fat are some of the most disgusting pigs in the history of mankind. i went to college at University of New Orleans and SIU, which are considered to be two of the three fattest schools in the country. Central Illinois beats all. there are more 400 pounders here per capita than anywhere else in the country. i feel i owe it to them to put how disgusting they are in perspective, but i never do because im too “nice” or whatever. somebody needs to hold them accountable. be careful though, i got this 28 year old 300 pounder fired from a trucking job i had 5 years ago. he ran at me outside and when i tried to smash a full V8 splash bottle over his head, he bruce lee’d it out of my hand and punched me in the head 10-12 times. thank god he got tired and couldn’t finish the deal. he was too tired to run away when the cops got him. moral of the story: not all fat pieces of shit are slow and passive. one time at siu, i saw this couple. they had to have been 600+ apiece. they were so fucking fat, they couldn’t walk. the waddled a few inches at a time. they couldn’t move their hips, so they toddled back and forth from one leg to another. i got stories all day. we should start a support group for people who have to look at these disgraces. lazy fat ass. greedy fat ass. have another box of twinkies and wash it down with a twelve pack of mountain dew when you get done with that 5 gallon bucket of extra rich ice cream and the one pound bag of doritos
if it weren’t a medical impossibility, would twinkies give a fat man a boner?
Absolutely! I have to live with these fat lazy people in the office every day. There is a guy that weighs 449 pounds and doesn’t care! Two others are close to 400.
They can’t understand HOW I can make it to the gym for 1 hour every day…. But they watch 4 hours of TV and play video games for another 2!! Some of them don’t even have kids, so they have all the time in the world for themselves.
Are these people fat AND stupid? LAZY, LAZY, LAZY. Stop complaining, stop eating like pigs, move your huge butts! Stop sitting in front of your TV and do something!
Okay, what pisses me off most about these people are the fact that they can get disability for being fat, while my step-dad has had 2 heart attacks this year and hip-replacement surgery due to complications from a wreck he was in many years back. He wants to work and can’t b/c the doctor says no way. He can barely walk. But yet he can’t get disability or even Medicaid. How are all these super-obese people allowed on disability simply b/c they’re fat? I know 3 of 3 people who are b/c “my knees hurt”. Well, if you try exercising and losing 200 pounds, your knees wouldn’t hurt. My step-dad just forked out almost $100k to pay for surgery, a hospital stay, PT, and medications (one of which cost $1,019.11 just for a 20day supply). He had to sell all of his stocks in order to have surgery. The judge says he’s unable to work b/c of health problems, but yet he can’t get disability? Our great country sucks sometimes.