Don’t like your new zodiac sign? Here’s a better one….

Upon reading post after post about the insanity of the newly changed zodiac signs….I have decided that this calls for a zodialogical intervention. I’m starting my own fucking list of signs.
1. Assholarious: you are a total prick, while at the same time light hearted and comedically inclined.

Living example: Daniel Tosh
2.Herpes: the sign of the devil, and most strippers.

Living example: Ke$ha
3. Beo: you stink, and should focus more on personal hygiene and less on Xbox.

Living Example: This guy.
4.Pleghmini: while inclined to attract infectious viruses, you find wealth and joy in Kleenex stocks.

5. Prancer: you wear your flag proudly and have a keen eye for cosmetics. You go girl!

Living example: Big Gay Al
6. Boreus: it will take you a lifetime to finally put your finger on the reason people don’t like you, and why most avoid conversation with you like the plague…unless armed with 5 hour energy…and a handgun.

Living example: The old dude from The 700 CLub….
7. Terdgo: tormented with an existence defined only by the length and girth of your excrements. You killed something in your past life.

Living example: Justin Bieber
8. Queebra: check your panties, girlfriend

Living Example: Snooki
9. Squirrelpio: your longing for nuts and trees is outweighed only by your annoying giggle and morbidly small brain.

Living example: Sarah Palin
10. Canocorn: you shall have everlasting life.

Living example: Dick Clark
11. Crisces: as spastic as a colon can be….you keep the prescription drug companies in business and crazy houses open. Thank you.

Living example: Denise Richards
12. Uscarius: a horrible existence is the one you were dealt…thank goodness for Halloween.

Living example: Kirsten Dunst

I hope you all find your proper category and embrace your new existence.

~Mo

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Lady A…..with a twist….of vodka.

Everyone on this planet has been subjected to Lady Antebellum’s hit song “Need You Now” at least 9,000 times in the last  six months. The song is everywhere. While I appreciate music and all that it is worth, even the bad stuff, I couldn’t help but fill in the lyrics with my own take on the situation. Off of the top of my head…here is what the chick really wanted to say:

I just dropped my valium,

Now it’s scattered on the floor.

Reaching for my vodka, I think that I’m on shot number four.

And I wonder if I should have done those lines.

To me it seems I’ll be just fine

It’s a quarter after noon, I’m completely trashed and drunk-dialing now.

You said I shouldn’t call and you hoped I’d take a fall but I am trashed right now.

And I don’t know how to just shut my mouth, I am trashed right now.

Another shot of Cuervo, just ran into my closed front door.

Wishing you’d come get me, how’d I get here on the floor?

And I wonder if you’re on the other line.

Maybe I’ll call you one more time.

It’s a quarter after noon, I am effing smashed,

And drunk-dialing now.

Said to get a life, you already had a wife but I’m smashed right now.

And I don’t know how, but I just fell down, I am hammered now.

Yes I’d rather puke than have you reject my call.

It’s a quarter after noon, I’m running out of booze and drunk-dialing now.

And you said I made you sick got hit with an ugly stick but I’m sloshed right now.

And I don’t know how but I just found out that I’m having your baby now.

I’m inebriated now.

Oh baby I just fell down.

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Hearting True Blood…it’s an art, really.

Any of you who know me, I mean “KNOW ME-KNOW ME” understand, and most likely share, my love for the HBO entertainment goodness that is True Blood. I feel compelled to write about it since last night’s episode was the best this season, in my opinion…and where would you be without my opinion? Probably face down in a bowl of split pea and ham soup being molested by circus clowns. Just a hunch…

Anyway…for those of you who know not of the wonderful display of modern day naughtiness coupled with the vampire-esque darkness that is True Blood….you must go, faster than immediately, to the nearest DVD renting receptacle, Best Buy, or online viewing site of your choice and catch up on previous seasons and the episodes of Season 3 thus far. Do it….do it meow.

Now, for those of you who are in the know and caught last night’s episode…..feel free to post thoughts and insight here. What’s up with Franklin, our delightfully bubbly and incredibly text savvy vamper? Is he gone for good? Do you find Tara’s facial expressions to be increasingly annoying, such as myself? Perhaps you have a hunch about next week.

PS: I hate the word hunch and I used it just now.. .time to update my “hate words” list.

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