It’s not every day that your grocery shopping experience turns sickening and leaves you completely irate and wanting to scream obscenities at a fellow shopper. I usually try to embrace it when these situations do arise and forever embed them in the”some people fucking amaze me” file of the “you have GOT to be dry- humping me” epicenter of my brain. Please, allow me to explain…
The boyfriend and I were happily discussing the differences between Hominy and regular canned corn while browsing vegetables at our local Kroger store this evening. This particular Kroger has decided it their standard practice to shelve veggies directly across from the bulk candy.. of course completely stocked with chocolaty goodness, gums, licorice, sour patch kids, and every Little Debbie Snack Cake you could dream of shoving in your face. Pretty smart marketing strategy if you ask me. Temptation can be a bitch while trying to make decisions about which spinach to buy while there are King-Dongs staring you in the face. Mmmmmm…King Dongs…
Still browsing the veggies, I hear a decelerating “huuuuummmmmm” directly followed by an abrupt squeak of brakes which can only be one thing. A motorized shopping vehicle has come blazing into our isle. The sound of several unknown items obnoxiously slide to the front of the motorized basket as it comes to a screeching halt. “Sir!” Neither of us turn around, but both know there is no one else within ear shot of the bellowing shopper. “SIR?!” Finally, we turn around and witness the obvious travesty that is unfolding right in front of us. A middle aged woman perched proudly in the small space provided to her on the motorized shopping vehicle is pointing in the air. I notice this second of course, right after realizing that her arm was not, in fact, the roll of honey buns I had mistaken it for. This bitch was fat. Now, I don’t mean debilitatingly fat like Gilbert Grape’s mom. She was juuuust fat enough to feel the need to park her lazy ass in a motorized cart to zoom around Kroger in search of her next meal; thus avoiding any actual physical activity or “exercise” she might have endured. Anyway….back to the story.
“Sir, do you think you could just, ya know, help me get those…” she was pointing her roll of honey buns at the top shelf of the Little Debbie display.
“I just really can’t reach it and I would hate to knock the whole thing over.” The driver of the undeserved motorized shopping vehicle was clearly desperate for the gooey decadence of Little Debbie Marshmallow Treats. The boyfriend, being the nice guy that he is, heads over to her vehicle and reaches for the box she is staring at longingly. “Yeah, that one, and if you could grab two of them… I really just can’t….oh, thank you!” He puts the boxes into her basket, somewhere between the bag of Funyons and Rocky Road ice cream. “No problem,” he says.
After cruising slowly down the rest of the isle, being sure to overt her eyes from the vegetable side, the sound of the motor faded. “Are you Fucking Kidding Me?!” I asked. I was completely sickened. I wanted to take every Twinkie and Starcrunch in the place and launch them at the back of her fat head. I could catch her. Surely she was probably on her way to grab some fat back, or some cookie dough to roll her hot dogs in. I was irate, and I would stand there and do nothing about it.
In case you haven’t caught on to the point of my rambling, the bitch was fat. Not crippled, not disabled, not old, just fat and fucking lazy. Not only did she not need the motorized cart that she was hammering down in, but she couldn’t even get off her lard ass long enough to grab the box of shit she shouldn’t even be allowed to buy in the first place. Its a good thing that the Funyons and ice cream were within arms reach, or there may have been a code red in the middle of Kroger.
Some people have no fucking shame…..
MoMiCa's MoUTh 